For the first time in a while, I opened up the Instagram app on my phone tonight. I posted quotes and pictures and things that have brought comfort to my soul over the last few days. And then I scrolled through the most recent pictures other people have posted. I only made it to picture five before I couldn’t scroll any further. I deleted the pictures I had just posted and I closed the app.
This time I’m in, it’s fragile and tender and sacred. And I need to protect that by keeping a firm boundary between the life I was living and where I’m at now. I will return to Instagram someday, but right now is a holy time. A painful time, but one in which the Lord’s breath is the very air I’m breathing, and to interrupt this time with hashtags and social media and “likes” feels wrong.
This is a holy time.
This last week has been perhaps the most traumatic one of my life. I don’t know when or how I’ll ever process everything. And that’s the beauty of this time, as well: I am not trying to figure it out. I am not resisting the “not knowing”. I am not resisting anything at all. Instead, I am trying to maintain a state of being completely surrendered to the Lord. I am trusting Him with all of it- with the broken relationships, with the brokenness within me, with my hopes and fears.
For once, my focus is right. It isn’t on others- trying to make them love me, constantly fearing the loss of that love, and subconsciously believing that their love will somehow save me. My focus isn’t on fixing myself- looking at who I was and who I want to be and who I am now. And my focus isn’t on fixing my life- panicking over my lack of solutions and labeling parts of my life as “un-fixable”.
Rather, my focus is on the Lord. I am, to the best of my ability, spending my days with my face nestled against His chest, memorizing the beat of His heart.
This is a holy, sacred time.
Real life will resume, but right now I’m fragile, newborn. I need to carve aside this time to be His. I need to assert that this is an important time and that what I’ve lived through the past week is significant, and then I need to dedicate this time to Him. And I need to use this time to allow God to permanently imprint on me, to tattoo on my heart, that truth- that I belong to Him.
Apart from the love of the Lord, there is nothing else I can count on to be unchanging. And contrary to what I used to think, that doesn’t have to be a sad or scary thought because I know who my Father is and He is GOOD. He provides. And hallelujah that, no matter what life may bring, I am always going to be beloved, understood, and delighted in! My heartache and victories and desires will always, always matter.
There is nowhere else I can go to find solid ground for my feet or the unfailing love I crave. And that’s not scary or sad either. Rather, it’s beautiful because it means I don’t have to seek love or security. I don’t have to walk around wide-eyed and desperate and grasping, begging things that aren’t God to please promise me they will be the reliable, unchanging love and security I need. I am going to be a bottomless pit of need that no one can ever fill unless I realize that what I need is found first an foremost in my Lord and Savior. And again, that’s beautiful because it means that life isn’t a scavenger hunt for the things that my soul craves. Rather, all I need is found in Him alone and He is right here, always with me, beside me, within me.
Even if everything else turns to ash, I will be His and He will be mine forever and ever.
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
Lord, teach me.
This is a holy, hard, tearful, beautiful, painful, sacred time.