I feel like I am being pushed out of my life.
I can’t beg people to want to spend time with me.
And I feel like an idiot for all the times I used love as comfort to get me through.
And my job doesn’t want me anymore either.
So where do I turn? What do I have? Is there any way this is God speaking to me, telling me this isn’t what He has for me? Should I move? Where can I go?
I have visions of bare knees on red dirt, worn Converse and worn Bibles. Make-up-less face and wild, curly, product-free hair. A day spent seeking Him, seeking His Spirit, living in His presence, doing His work. Feeling Him nearer than my breath.
I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to stay.
I don’t want work pants and desks, and going home to no one, and trying to tell myself I’m loved and I matter when it’s such bullshit.
Where can I run, where can I go that won’t be even more painful and lonely?
I don’t know.
I just want to stay in His shadow. Because there’s nothing else for me. I just want to move closer and closer to Love Himself. I want my heart to pursue Love, not love. And I want to feel like my pursuit of Love isn’t futile and pointless because this is all there is and He can’t hug me and I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE HERE, SOMEONE WHO CAN HUG ME AND WANT ME AND CHOOSE ME AND MISS ME WHEN I’M NOT AROUND AND CALL ME THEIRS.
Is there any way, if He doesn’t make mistakes, that He is speaking to me in this? If no one—no man, no family—wants me, but He does, then how do I throw myself 100% at Him and stop waiting for anything else to change? How do I let myself live for Him completely and not have to spend eight hours a day at a desk, waiting for my boss to disapprove of something I do? Waiting to be fired? Never being listened to when I try to stand up for what’s right? Always being made to feel like I’m the problem, like I’m crazy and can’t see things clearly, when I already know I can’t see things clearly, but neither can anyone else because we’re human, and isn’t the Holy Spirit inside of me enough of a reason to at least listen to what I have to say and stop discounting everything that comes out of my mouth?
Every time I perceive something as wrong, EVERY TIME, it gets turned back around on me and I’m left thinking I’M wrong. Me, as a person, is broken and cannot have valid thoughts or opinions and everything about me is hard to love and I should just stay quiet if I even want a shot at not repelling people or keeping my job.
What if my depression isn’t the problem?
What if the problem is that this life I’m being expected to live is excruciating?
And if God doesn’t make mistakes, I need to know what I’m supposed to be getting from this. I need to hear from Him.
This season, from the time Mom got sick to now, the never-ending sorrow and loss and grief and loss and heartache and loss and depression and loss, I’m done taking blame for it. It’s NOT MY FAULT.
And I reject all of the opinions of people who would say that it’s my thoughts about things that’s the problem here. Or that I’m dwelling and ruminating on the negatives. Or that the problem is that I won’t let go of my ideals and just be grateful for what I DO have.
Only the Lord knows how untrue that is.
I am not the problem.
This is too coincidental, too insanely much, to be “just life”. Is it an attack? Something God’s trying to use to direct me somewhere else? I don’t know.
I was calling Group Health and begging to get in to see someone when I witnessed the shooting Monday.
I got home from the movie tonight, sobbing, thought how grateful I was that my pets love me at least, and then Arlow bit my face and made me bleed.
It’s not me overreacting. It’s not me being overly sensitive. It’s not “just because I’m depressed.” It’s too much. Something is wrong with this and I need to understand how I am supposed to respond.
Not in despair. Not by surrendering to a life of loss and hopelessness and being unloved and never really feeling like He’s enough for me. That can’t be what He wants me to take away from this.
There has to be something else.
I reject despair.
And I reject self-condemnation.
And I reject the lie that I am unlovable
and that there’s nothing more
and that there’s nowhere to run
and no way to make any of it better
and I’m going to hurt like this forever.
I reject that.
And I SCREAM: “Lord, help me hear You!!!”
Help me understand what to do next. I don’t need to know the whole, big picture. I just need the next step. I don’t want to chase after lies and empty promises. I want to chase after You. And I want to know You as better than anything else I could’ve ever asked for and dreamed of.
I believe there’s more for me than this.
I believe there’s more of You than quiet moments alone with my Bible and an occasional warm feeling in worship and clinging to You in faith and using that as a reason to endure a life that feels unendurable.
This cannot be the big, beautiful plan You had for me when You shaped me in my mother’s womb.
I don’t have anything but You, Lord. Not really.
So help me give it all to You–my whole life.
Help me know You as More Than Enough.
Be my 100%-
100% of my love,
And anything else You give is just extra- blessing and grace and an overflow of how You love me. But help me find all that I need in You.