I pour myself into the things that matter.
I try not to think too hard. I try not to FEEL too hard.
I try to lay every thought and feeling down at the feet of Christ.
I try not to pick back up anything that is a lie. Or anything that is too heavy for me.
I joke with my clients,
and I celebrate eighth grade graduations,
and I dare to let seemingly meaningless things, like new earrings, matter to me.
I feel the warmth of the sun as I lay out, my legs intertwined at the ankles.
I read a book under a tree, while pine needles periodically fall down around me like snow.
I smile at a little bird who found his way into a coffee shop where I was drinking a chai tea latte.
I am learning that it’s okay to pull people close, to grab their arm and lay my head on their shoulder, and let myself feel close and held and loved,
and I’m learning that even when I’m alone, I am still close and held and loved. I don’t need to hold so tight all the time.
I am saying no to pizza and brownies and yes to Mediterranean paninis and carrot sticks.
I am saying no to sleeping fourteen hours and yes to long walks in the fading sun.
I am laying it all down. The tightness in my throat. My sense of feeling disconnected from being alive. My fears and hopes and dreams. I am laying it down.
And I am grabbing tight of what is:
I am alive. My life matters. God doesn’t make mistakes. I am loved.