Doors

Closed doors mean nothing to God. (Hallelujah!)

There are people who have done everything right- who have a good reputation, have been successful in work and relationships and finances, and who, as a result, have more options for their life, more open doors that they could walk through if they chose to. They can buy a plane ticket to Rome, send their three kids to private school, sleep through the night because their spouse is on “middle of the night infant feeding duty,” and get promoted at work because they have the esteem and qualifications they need. They have options that I wish I had, but I don’t.

Admittedly, no one’s life is perfect and everyone deals with their own stresses, but this isn’t about envying someone else’s life, it’s about open doors. Just go with me here. : )

Growing up, even into my early twenties, I thought I’d be one of those people, the kind without financial debt, the kind with a spouse to help me raise our kids, the kind who is well thought of in her profession. But I’m not one of those people. I’m one of those people who have made a lot of mistakes.

Hello, unplanned pregnancy. Hello, serious financial stressors. Hello, inability to get my social work license, former employers (plural!) who don’t think very highly of me, and messy relationships.

Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, trying to create a better life for myself, and no matter how hard I try, no matter what path I take, I just keep hitting a wall.

The lawyer can’t help me get my license.
My unemployment has been appealed and now I owe more money than I’ll ever be able to pay back.
The job I got has been really hard for me to show up at day after day.
The baby growing inside of me is turning my body and face into something I don’t even recognize. I can’t even handle seeing myself in a picture or mirror anymore.
My families just keep crumbling.

And it would be so easy to go to feeling hopeless, like I’ve ruined my life, because there are certain things that aren’t options for me anymore given the choices I’ve made.

But running into closed door after closed door isn’t the same thing as living a life without hope.

God’s good plan for my life is still in motion.
And my hope is in HIM, not in my circumstances.
What I can see isn’t the basis of my reality; my reality is that I serve a God who is bigger.

Maybe all these closed doors are just His way of giving me a more narrow path to walk, to keep me from losing sight of where He’s leading me.

Or maybe they’re there to teach me that God is more than capable of opening closed doors.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes.

But I haven’t ruined my life.

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