I feel like I am watching a forest fire rage. And I am saying, “It’s okay. It’s going to rain. It’s going to be okay.”
And everyone around me is saying I’m wrong. That the forecast doesn’t call for rain. That forest fires happen and that’s just life and that everyone knows that.
And I don’t know that they’re wrong. But I can’t accept that they’re right either.
And I’m scared. Because my life depends on the rain.
I text Laura tonight. I said that I have to believe depression is from the enemy. That no matter what season of life we’re in, depression is a lie. Hard times? Inevitable. But depression? I think that God wants more for us than that.
And I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t know how to get there, to this place where depression kneels before the Lord.
But I know two things: That there’s freedom and life to be found in surrender, and that God would never ask me to shut my heart down.
How do those things coexist- surrender and having a fully-alive heart? I don’t know. Honestly. Maybe just by trusting that the things of our hearts matter to God? We can trust Him with whatever they contain? We can let go of our grip on our life and still honor our hearts because both things are His and both things (our lives and our hearts) are used by Him to speak to us?
I don’t know.
But I refuse to abandon my heart. Even if it kills me.
I will keep speaking of the rain, praying that my tiny bit of hope will count for something. Praying that my speaking it will make it true.
“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed…” -Rom. 4:18