No one can do it for you.
They can love you and care about you, but they can’t fight your fight for you.
People could talk to me and pray for me, but they couldn’t drive for me. No one could come rescue me and bring me home.
You can’t control how you feel, but you are in control of how much you suffer.
You can say, “I can’t…” and “This is not okay…” all day long, and it doesn’t change your circumstances one damn bit. All it does is increase your suffering.
You have to breathe.
Don’t rage against what you feel- let it be.
Trust the process.
Bad feelings aren’t necessarily bad things.
Stop labeling things as bad just because they feel bad; a lot of good is born out of things that feel really bad.
You don’t have to give sucky emotions power by calling them truth.
Emotions come and go. We have to be careful not to let them determine our truth.
Some trips are about fun and some trips are about growth.
Sometimes it’s important to stop calling the contents of our hearts “wrong” or “bad.”
When you find yourself aware that not everyone sees the world in the same way as you do, maybe it’s better to draw the “wrongness” of your heart closer to yourself rather than push it away. Maybe what feels wrong is actually a unique wiring.
Maybe the key isn’t in making yourself be different, but learning how to embrace what is within you.
Maybe sometimes what we think are our flaws, the ways we struggle, the ways people don’t understand us, maybe the unique way we see the world is actually a secret God whispered into our hearts, and the trick is to learn how to let that widen us up to living bigger and deeper, rather than letting it make us feel discouraged or close us off to life.
On the road, all by yourself, you have no choice but to sit with your pain when it arises. You can’t drink it away or overdose it away or refuse to get out of bed, because you’re not home and you have a dog and someone has to take care of him.
And also, being all by yourself, thousands of miles from home, you suddenly realize how terrified you are that you’ll somehow die before ever getting home. You worry about car accidents, mostly, but also murder a little bit when you’re sleeping in a dark parking lot in your car. You worry about your car breaking down and your finances and what if you never get to go home again?
And you realize there’s a whole, beautiful life waiting for you at home. And it’s not perfect, but its yours, and dear God, how badly you just want to be back home where you get to live your imperfect, beautiful life.
So you sit with your pain. And you promise yourself you’ll do that at home too. You promise yourself that even when you’re back in the land where drinking and overdosing and trying to use other people to save you are options, you won’t do that.
You have to take some deep breaths and do the things for yourself that you can do- like not text and drive and stop when you need a break and call and talk to people (without begging them to rescue you) when you need to talk.
And you have to trust God with the rest, like no flat tires or car troubles and getting you back home alive.
If you carry the weight of the things God’s responsible for, it will suck all of the beautiful living out of your day and replace it with fear and worry that you were never meant to carry.
Every time Arlow makes eye contact with me, I say, “I love you,” or, “How are you doing, baby?” And I do that not because I’m insecure, but because that’s how I communicate.
And that’s how I communicate in my relationships also.
And so when people don’t do that with me, when they go days without talking to me, it feels like they don’t love me.
But not everyone communicates their love in the same way you do. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
Sometimes you can be royally pissed off and sitting in a park in New Mexico and hating everything about life, and then a woman and her kids will come sit with you and want to pet your dog, and you’ll be even more cranky because you didn’t ask for company or small talk.
But then you’ll notice the woman has a tin can labeled “Please Help. Need Food.” And she won’t address it. She won’t ask for anything. She’ll just set it off to the side and slightly behind herself. And she’ll talk about the weather and her kids and where the nearest CoinStar is while she watches her kids wrestle with a dog twice their size.
And you’ll reach into your wallet. Because MFing New Mexico sucks and it’s hot and dirty and no on drives well, but God clearly led you and your bad attitude to this park where a woman with a genuine need and a smile happened to cross your path.
And what a gift New Mexico turned out to be.
If you walk your dog in Texas, people will literally stop their cars to conversationally say to you, “That’s a big dog!”
They will also give you the water out of their car and hold the cup for your dog so he can hydrate.
The same part of my brain and heart that were terrified to be so far from home are the same part of my brain and heart that feel four years old.
“I’m so scared,” and, “I want my mom,” came in the same breath.
And maybe that’s how we parent ourselves sometimes. We say, soothingly and with a voice laced with love, “I know.”
But we don’t let that stop us from doing the hard, scary thing.
If you sit down in a park in Mississippi and sob into your hands, if you’re too weak to hold your dog’s leash anymore and so he runs wild and free while you cry, no one will even notice.
I used to think people who picked their scabs were disgusting.
But then I found myself bored and stuck in traffic with a bunch of week-old mosquito bites.
A rainbow feels like a personal promise to me in Utah just as much as it does here at home.
You can’t outrun your problems or your pain.
You come home at the end of a long road trip and you’re one part, “Thank God, I made it!” And, “Thank God I am back in the right time zone! And thank Him for my bed and my shower and my plants and cats and clean underwear and closet full of clothes!”
And you’re one part complete, black depression.
The road trip wasn’t a solution, it was a lesson.
And now it’s time to put to practice what you learned on your drive.
Now, in this really hard moment, you get to say to yourself, “No, I CAN do it.”
And in the face of blackness, I get to say to myself, “No, I WANT to live.”
“You’ve got a big heart. The way you see the world, it got you this far. You might have some bruises and a few scars, but you know you’re gonna be okay. And even though you’re scared, you’re stronger than you know. If you’re lost out where the lights are blinding, if you face the fear that keeps you frozen, chase the sky into the ocean, that’s when something wild calls you home.”